I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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