Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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