Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
