How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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