Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
