i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Gay?
German.
Pity.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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