He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
