this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
