Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
