Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
