i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
