around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
