That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
