you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
