Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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