After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
