Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
When are your genitals available?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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