So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We are two peas in an std pod
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
