party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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