it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
