Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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