I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
