She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
