I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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