i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's the barista slut.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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