I must be too annoying 4 u.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
