you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
