Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
