Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
