Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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