Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
