there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
