you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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