im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
