Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
