u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
