who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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