Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
