In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
