I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
