I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
