1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
