My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
