All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
