Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
