i jhust puked up my retainher.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
