How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
