She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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