found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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