Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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