I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
